When Art is too Lazy to Imitate Life

Welcome back, loyal readers! Now that I'm back at home and have rested up a bit, I'm finally ready to do that bonus blog- except I have one more thing first. We were able to find a bit more bloggable material in London than we had expected, so without further ado... I give you the Tate Modern!

The Tate Modern is a modern art museum in London. There were some pieces on display that were actually pretty cool, like this robot with TV screens and radios on it, or the cave-style layered painting shown below it.

However, there were also the kinds of pieces that are what gives modern art its bad reputation. Like this one, titled "Grey".

...It's just grey. At least the name fits.

And the description provided:

The artist wanted to illustrate nothing? ...Well, he nailed it.

Besides "Grey", there are a few more "lowlights" (opposite of highlights, get it?) that I'd like to show- in ascending order of stunning laziness.

First are these three pieces, which are literally nothing but dull, square borders. Also, the artist managed to sell three of them, despite the fact that the only difference is the slight color shift of the rims.

Here's what the Tate Modern had to say about it:

The artist "wanted to create works that did not involve pictorial illusion or expressive gestures." Really? Without expressive gestures? That's just a fancy way of saying that she didn't want to make art at all.

Second is this one- all it is is an eight-sided paper shape slapped on a wall. You have to see it to believe it.

This one didn't even get a description plate.

And finally, the one thing in the building worse than the piece above. I didn't even put a picture in, because the exhibit didn't merit one.

It was just a mirror.

It didn't even have a fancy border, or any border at all. It was just a rectangular mirror, a thick sheet of reflective glass. Most people probably wouldn't even use it as a normal mirror in their house, much less treat it as art. But what truly makes this annoying to me is the description that they provided. 

I pity the people who make cool things like the robot shown above- these other pieces are really dragging everyone else down.

And on that happy note, thanks for reading! Remember to stay tuned for the final bonus episode. See you next time.

Belgium Bonus

Welcome, blog followers, to my little piece of the internet. The main event is over, but the first bonus is here! This bonus episode is a collection of tidbits that I missed on my first blogs on Belgium.

First off, I've selected a few photos showcasing the Dutch language. It can get pretty ridiculous at times.

This place had the best framboos and zeebars I had ever tasted. Or why not try the fijne vleeswaren met tirenteynpickles?

Next up, a random tale from a Belgian town. Specifically, about Damme, a small city near Brugge.

Note: this story is not necessarily fact. We are unsure if this is truth, fiction, or a blend of the two. (Probably the third one.)

Damme was once a town frequently struck by floods. To counteract this, the townspeople built a dam around the whole town.

The project went very smoothly, except for one thing: several builders reported hearing loud howls, similar to what one might expect from a wolf. Many said it was a bad omen, and for once, they were apparently correct.

On the day of the dam's completion, a celebration was held. However, the loud howling was once again heard, and immediately afterwards, the new dam burst from a torrential flood. The townspeople spotted a black dog, identified it as the source of the noise, and immediately blamed the flood on it and chased it around the city. Instead of, you know, fixing the dam and stopping the giant wave of water.

Eventually, they caught the dog, killed it, and stuffed it in the dam's crack, stopping the flood and saving the town. Yay?


So, that story was interesting. Anyway, to wrap things up, we have two miscellaneous pictures:

All of those rows of gray are actually bikes. Apparently, a lot of people cycle for transportation here.

We ordered nachos at a pub and got... "Doritos". I guess this is what you get when you go to an Irish pub in Belgium and ask for Mexican food.

Thanks for reading! Remember, we still have one bonus blog left (the extra-special one that I promised you earlier) so don't tune out just yet. See you next time.

Bonus!

I have one more fact I wanted to throw in, even though it's about Italy and not Belgium. During the production of olive oil, olives are poured into a large matching that mashes them into paste. The paste is then converted to an oil in another machine. The most interesting part of the process, in my opinion, was that the first machine crushes up the olives with the seeds still in them!

Final Phase

Welcome back, loyal readers! We've moved on to England for the final phase of our trip. We've decided to finally relax a bit, so there's not much to blog about, but a few things remain interesting.

First of all, a few blasts from the past. We've revisited a few events showcased in the last England blog ("There's no place like (what used to be) home...", August 2014 - look it up) and gathered a few suspiciously familiar photos.

The end of a run on the Long Walk in Windsor. Some things never change...

We've revisited our typical sandy playground. Not pictured: my vessel was, yet again, overtaken by a child a third of my size.

And here are a few snapshots from the London section.

We took a train from Windsor to London. Here is a sign on the train's bathroom.

Hamley's, the oldest toy store in the world. These statues are made entirely of Legos™.

That's just about it for this blog series. However, we still have two bonus blogs coming up, so don't leave yet!

Thanks for reading!

Bonus:

American to British Translator

English is the national language of both America and England, but there are still some words that the two nations can't quite agree on. American is on the left, while British is on the right. Enjoy!

Dessert ---> Pudding

Elevator ---> Lift

Trunk (as in a car) ---> Boot

Jelly ---> Jam

Gelatin dessert/jello ---> Jelly

Bathroom ---> Loo

French fries ---> Chips

Chips ---> Crisps

The lesson here is: when someone asks if you want pudding, they are asking if you want dessert. It has nothing to do with the actual substance of pudding. So when they ask you what you want for pudding, don't keep replying "pudding" like a total idiot. Not that I've ever done that... I'm not that dumb, of course... yeah...

In Bruges

Aidan's Dad Brian guest blogging today!

"There's a Christmas tree somewhere in London with a bunch of presents underneath it that'll never be opened. And I thought, if I survive all of this, I'd go to that house, apologize to the mother there, and accept whatever punishment she chose for me. Prison... death... didn't matter. Because at least in prison and at least in death, you know, I wouldn't be in &*$% Bruges. But then, like a flash, it came to me. And I realized, oh man, maybe that's what hell is: the entire rest of eternity spent in &*$% Bruges. And I really really hoped I wouldn't die. I really really hoped I wouldn't die."

Those were Ray's (Colin Farrell) final thoughts in the movie "In Bruges".  If you haven't seen the film, I highly recommend it if you can handle the violence, dark humor, foul language and soul crushing sadness.  Suffice to say we enjoyed our trip to Brugge far more than Ray, and the visit was notably less violent.

We went to Bruge (I have no idea how to spell it, there seem to be 100 ways) twice - the first day to walk around and the second day for a bike tour.  The first thing you should know about Brugje is that it is hideous.  It's like Detroit before Robocop cleaned it up.  Here is some evidence.

Skid Row, Brugge

The slums of Bruge

OK, I am kidding.  Brooj is achingly beautiful, if a little overrun with tourists.  Actually the quantity of tourists is not that bad.  They seem to control the numbers by offering blazing fast carriage rides through the narrow streets, which I am guessing culls the heard quite nicely based on the number of near-fatalities we saw.

Another interesting tidbit about Brooooj is in regards to the swans.  Legend has it at the end of the 15th century, the people of Bruges rose in revolt against the unpopular Emperor Maximilian of Austria. They captured Maximilian and his adviser, Pieter Lanckhals.  Lanckhals was condemned to death and Maximilian was forced to watch the execution. The Emperor eventually escaped and later took his revenge: he decreed that ‘until the end of time’ the city should be required at its own expense to keep swans on all its lakes and canals. And why swans? Because swans have long necks – and the Dutch for ‘long neck’ is ‘lange hals’ – or ‘lanckhals’.

A fairly unbalanced response to seeing your buddy decapitated one might think.

Evil incarnate

The bike tour was lovely and something I highly recommend.  As everyone knows, Belgium is  known for all manner of things:  They have given the world the Smurfs, Jean Claude VanDamme, and...... and...... gosh, I guess that's it.  Just kidding!  Spare me your vitriolic letters and calls Belgian readers, we know you also have waffles.

We got windmills too!  In your FACE Holland!

Actually Belgium has a lot going for it, not the least of which is a lovely population of people who all speak at least 10 languages.  They like to make sure you know this to make you feel bad about being an American simpleton.  Occasionally our guides / waiters would ask us what language we wanted.  "Hallo, guten morgan, hello.  Dutch?  French?  German?  Ancient Sanskrit?  Interpretive dance?"  You really have to discount Dutch as a language though as it is very clearly a totally made up language.  Look for Aidan's future post on that topic.

Belgium also is home to the headquarters of the European Union, partially due to their central-ish geographic location, and if you ask me partially due to the average Belgian's level-headedness.  Also their beer is amazing, I have to think that was a contributor.

But I digress.  Back to Bruushge.  Brudgdgdgdge is also notable for being near the coast and possessing a system of canals that were constructed on the orders of Napoleon Bonaparte who wished to create a canal network in order to permit the efficient transport of troops without the risk of disruptive interventions from the British navy.  Unfortunately, Napoleon didn't count on the farmers using the first canal's water supply to process their flax to make linen, which polluted the waters badly and prevented the two canals from ever being joined up - so they became known respectively as "The Blinker" (shiny and clean) and "The Stinker".

They also lined the canals with trees for cover, making for stunning scenery today

Belgium is also amazingly flat.  I mean seriously flat.  A whole new level of flat that you have not experienced before.  This, plus the system of trails that follow the canals, makes for an outstanding and seriously chill cycling experience.  I pedaled once as we left the shop, then coasted the final 15 miles.

Sculpture that is said to "always be looking toward the sun"

artsy fartsy canal shot

The only drawback to the trail system is that it is like honey to the bees, if bees were spandex-clad, humorless cyclists who are GET OUT OF MY WAY I AM MAKING EXCELLENT TIME.  As our guide said, these guys look perpetually troubled due to the tightness of their spandex, and the fact that they spent so much on their carbon fiber bikes that they could not afford a bell to warn casual trail users that they are coming by.  In any event, the sonic boom is usually warning enough.  Our guide would yell "SPANDEX!" to warn us to make way, which made me laugh heartily because I am totally one of those guys.

All in all, a very nice trip to Broogees and my apologies to any Belgians I offended.  You're wonderful people.  All seven of you.

WAFFLES!!!

Welcome back, loyal readers! After admiring Luxembourg City for a day, we've moved yet again, this time to Belgium. Over the next few days, I will share our adventures in the two neighboring cities of Gent and Brugge (pronounced "Brooj", not "Bruggy"). The two are both canal towns with medieval city centers, making them interesting to explore.

Fun Fact:

Many people think that the most notable aspect of Belgium is the waffles- those people are completely correct.

The city's belfry.

Within the belfry is this sculpture of a dragon, said to keep the city safe from harm.

The city of Gent is a fun mix of old and new. The exterior of every building is old-fashioned and pleasing to the eye, but the interior can house anything- even a mere Subway. I recommend making a stop here if you're ever in Europe, as the area is an adventure just to wander around (also, the Belgian waffles are delicious and everywhere).

An ancient castle, sitting casually in the middle of the town square. This is our kind of city.

Oh, did I mention that you can also just walk right into it?

You can even get a nice view from the roof.

Another view of the same castle.

A view from inside one of the cathedrals.

Gent, as seen from on top of the belfry.

Another photo from the belfry. This bell is named Roland, after a semi-famous hero who warned of an incoming attack by blowing his trumpet. It's a fitting name, as the bell used to ring whenever an enemy approached.

 Readers, we are nearing the end of this vacation. We have two more days in Brugge to talk about, and then a week in England which may not be all that exciting. However, I do have a very special bonus episode in store for you that will come at the end of the vacation. Thanks for reading!

Aidan's Greek Myths

Episode 8: Hermes, Hera, and Iris, part 3

The vote was to be decided with stones. Each god got one, and they were to cast them at the feet of whomever they agreed with- at Apollo if they supported Hermes's further punishment, or at Hermes if they wanted to let him off the hook.

Hermes was not only a cunning god, but also a persuasive one. And so, the mound of stones that landed at his feet when the vote was cast was said to reach up to at least his eyes, while Apollo received practically none. Hermes had won the vote. Still, though, the two gods set aside their differences and became friends, with Hermes even being given a throne on Olympus.

Fun Facts (Greek edition):

1. To this day, mounds of stones, or cairns, are the symbol of Hermes. As he is the god of travelers, cairns built along the road are said to bring good luck to those who pass by (I think).

2. Hermes is the messenger of Olympus, and he even was winged sandals to speed up his work. However, before Hermes, there was another messenger- Iris, goddess of the rainbow. Some say she travelled along rainbows, while others say that they were actually her dress, but all agree that she was Olympus's first messenger.

Luxembourg City, Luxembourg, Luxembourg

Greetings, blog followers! We've moved on from Paris to explore a few more European cities. First up is Luxembourg City, a place that is right up there with Positano in the rankings for Europe's most unlikely city.

Fun Facts:

Since it's also the name of the country, directions on the map come up as Luxembourg City, Luxembourg, Luxembourg.

Luxembourg (the country) is the only grand duchy in the world- i.e. it is the only place that is still headed by a grand duke.

One of Luxembourg City's most notable features is that it is broken. Oddly, a giant crevice that runs through the entire city. This separates the area into two levels, the high ground and the low ground.

Inside the city's "crack", natural rock mixes with man-made buildings. We even saw a few houses built directly into the cliff face.

A view from the lower area. This bridge connects two sides of high ground.

This is part of the casements, an elaborate system of tunnels that runs throughout the inside of the cliffs. It used to house the military, and also acted as a shelter when needed.

As before, rock mixes with brick for efficient architecture.

Thanks for reading!

Aidan's Greek Myths

Episode 7: Hermes, Hera, and Iris, part 2

Hermes took off the cow's hooves and reattached them backwards, so their tracks led into the field rather than out. For extra security, he fastened brooms to the tails of the cattle so that they would sweep away most traces of hoof prints. Using this method, he herded them all the way to a hidden cave.

Apollo was furious and puzzled when he noticed his animals' absence. Being the god of prophecy, however, he soon figured out who had stolen them and tracked down the thief. He found Hermes pretending to be in a deep sleep in his bed. Apollo was not fooled, and he promptly dragged the child up to Olympus for a trial. They say that Apollo would have done worse, but Hermes pulled out an instrument of his own creation- the lyre- and the god of music was so entranced by its sound that he traded his caduceus for it. Thus, the tension between the two sons of Zeus was eased, but the trial was still held.

Hermes played innocent at first, but eventually confessed to the crime. He was asked to return the cattle he had stolen, and the gods had to take a vote on whether he should receive further punishment.

To be continued (again)...

(Don't) Forget Paris

Welcome back, loyal followers. After quite the delay (sorry, I've been really busy), we have returned, with more content than ever! In this blog post, all three days of Paris will be compressed in to one slideshow of extreme vacation concentration. Have fun!

I think you know what this one is...

Fun fact: when it was first built, the Eiffel Tower was supposed to be temporary. Not only that, but the Parisians hated it, calling it things like "the monster asparagus". Only after it was used as a highly effective radio tower in World War II did the citizens come to accept it and preserve it.

This is a cathedral built for King Louis the Fourteenth. The king once complained that he didn't like going to church at the same place as everyone else, and so this magnificent cathedral was born. He used it literally four times.

Fun fact (unrelated to this picture): Louis the Fourteenth was considered to be, on the whole, a good king. However, he had something of an ego, especially concerning his impressive calf muscles. He would wear tights and display his legs prominently in any photo taken of him. This, combined with his four-inch high heels (since nobody could be taller than the king), made for a highly feminine appearance.

We took a Segway tour throughout the city. I'm not sure why, but our main methods of transportation seem to be Segways and bikes.

The actual Mona Lisa, on display at the Louvre.

More Louvre artwork, this time in the "Americas" section.

If anyone can tell me what the heck this is and why it looks like Jesus with chicken legs, I would be happy to know.

It strikes me as odd how the people depicted in these statues can go into battle with a sword at their side, and still completely neglect to wear pants.

The famous Venus de Milo.

Next to this building is the world's first (and for a while, one of the most popular) chocolate factories. Once, there were booths all over town selling samples of this chocolate. Additionally, the owner of the factory was very generous, so he built a whole village of houses for his factory's workers. 

The Chateau of Champs-Sur-Marne. It has had a diverse history- it's been passed down through many generations, sold, bought back, sold again, and eventually preserved by the government. One former owner supposedly sold it to pay off gambling debts- in the words of our tour guide (loosely), "I don't know how much you would have to gamble to lose a chateau, but it would be a lot."

The chateau had a beautiful garden out back. Many of the garden's trees were trimmed into perfect rectangles.

This is a lot of garden.

Notre Dame cathedral.

Thanks for reading!

Aidan's Greek Myths

Episode 6: Hermes, Hera, and Iris, part 1

Hera, queen of Olympus, had to keep a constant watch on her husband Zeus. This was because Zeus frequently took other wives, many of them mortals, and Hera was very jealous of this. Apollo and Artemis, twin children of Zeus and Leto, were almost not born due to the queen's wrath- more on that later.

This meant bad news for Hermes, son of Zeus. This god of travelers and thieves was hidden away in a cave from an early age, much like his father, to avoid Hera's punishment.

One day, though- in fact, the very day Hermes was born- he snuck out of the cave to cause mischief. He soon came across Apollo's herd of sacred cows, and started to hatch a plan to steal them.

To be continued...