In Bruges

Aidan's Dad Brian guest blogging today!

"There's a Christmas tree somewhere in London with a bunch of presents underneath it that'll never be opened. And I thought, if I survive all of this, I'd go to that house, apologize to the mother there, and accept whatever punishment she chose for me. Prison... death... didn't matter. Because at least in prison and at least in death, you know, I wouldn't be in &*$% Bruges. But then, like a flash, it came to me. And I realized, oh man, maybe that's what hell is: the entire rest of eternity spent in &*$% Bruges. And I really really hoped I wouldn't die. I really really hoped I wouldn't die."

Those were Ray's (Colin Farrell) final thoughts in the movie "In Bruges".  If you haven't seen the film, I highly recommend it if you can handle the violence, dark humor, foul language and soul crushing sadness.  Suffice to say we enjoyed our trip to Brugge far more than Ray, and the visit was notably less violent.

We went to Bruge (I have no idea how to spell it, there seem to be 100 ways) twice - the first day to walk around and the second day for a bike tour.  The first thing you should know about Brugje is that it is hideous.  It's like Detroit before Robocop cleaned it up.  Here is some evidence.

Skid Row, Brugge

The slums of Bruge

OK, I am kidding.  Brooj is achingly beautiful, if a little overrun with tourists.  Actually the quantity of tourists is not that bad.  They seem to control the numbers by offering blazing fast carriage rides through the narrow streets, which I am guessing culls the heard quite nicely based on the number of near-fatalities we saw.

Another interesting tidbit about Brooooj is in regards to the swans.  Legend has it at the end of the 15th century, the people of Bruges rose in revolt against the unpopular Emperor Maximilian of Austria. They captured Maximilian and his adviser, Pieter Lanckhals.  Lanckhals was condemned to death and Maximilian was forced to watch the execution. The Emperor eventually escaped and later took his revenge: he decreed that ‘until the end of time’ the city should be required at its own expense to keep swans on all its lakes and canals. And why swans? Because swans have long necks – and the Dutch for ‘long neck’ is ‘lange hals’ – or ‘lanckhals’.

A fairly unbalanced response to seeing your buddy decapitated one might think.

Evil incarnate

The bike tour was lovely and something I highly recommend.  As everyone knows, Belgium is  known for all manner of things:  They have given the world the Smurfs, Jean Claude VanDamme, and...... and...... gosh, I guess that's it.  Just kidding!  Spare me your vitriolic letters and calls Belgian readers, we know you also have waffles.

We got windmills too!  In your FACE Holland!

Actually Belgium has a lot going for it, not the least of which is a lovely population of people who all speak at least 10 languages.  They like to make sure you know this to make you feel bad about being an American simpleton.  Occasionally our guides / waiters would ask us what language we wanted.  "Hallo, guten morgan, hello.  Dutch?  French?  German?  Ancient Sanskrit?  Interpretive dance?"  You really have to discount Dutch as a language though as it is very clearly a totally made up language.  Look for Aidan's future post on that topic.

Belgium also is home to the headquarters of the European Union, partially due to their central-ish geographic location, and if you ask me partially due to the average Belgian's level-headedness.  Also their beer is amazing, I have to think that was a contributor.

But I digress.  Back to Bruushge.  Brudgdgdgdge is also notable for being near the coast and possessing a system of canals that were constructed on the orders of Napoleon Bonaparte who wished to create a canal network in order to permit the efficient transport of troops without the risk of disruptive interventions from the British navy.  Unfortunately, Napoleon didn't count on the farmers using the first canal's water supply to process their flax to make linen, which polluted the waters badly and prevented the two canals from ever being joined up - so they became known respectively as "The Blinker" (shiny and clean) and "The Stinker".

They also lined the canals with trees for cover, making for stunning scenery today

Belgium is also amazingly flat.  I mean seriously flat.  A whole new level of flat that you have not experienced before.  This, plus the system of trails that follow the canals, makes for an outstanding and seriously chill cycling experience.  I pedaled once as we left the shop, then coasted the final 15 miles.

Sculpture that is said to "always be looking toward the sun"

artsy fartsy canal shot

The only drawback to the trail system is that it is like honey to the bees, if bees were spandex-clad, humorless cyclists who are GET OUT OF MY WAY I AM MAKING EXCELLENT TIME.  As our guide said, these guys look perpetually troubled due to the tightness of their spandex, and the fact that they spent so much on their carbon fiber bikes that they could not afford a bell to warn casual trail users that they are coming by.  In any event, the sonic boom is usually warning enough.  Our guide would yell "SPANDEX!" to warn us to make way, which made me laugh heartily because I am totally one of those guys.

All in all, a very nice trip to Broogees and my apologies to any Belgians I offended.  You're wonderful people.  All seven of you.